He has always been living in the shadows of X.

X knows all of his failures and shorcomings, and is not afraid to reveal them to everyone.

He has no choice, he has to cooperate and give in to X.

It is not a very bad life. In fact, he is doing quite well, even though he is always in the shadows of X. He has done well in school, made new friends and picked up new hobbies. Everything is going well. But whenever he thinks back of his failures, the shadow of X looms over him, and destroys his self-confidence. The fear of X dominates his thoughts, and he withdraws into his comfort zone. It is his tendency to be meek and submit to the whims of X. Whatever self confidence he has built up is quickly eroded by X.

His existence is not impressive, just mediocre. It is... not something he desires for.

One day, realisation struck him. He had enough. He realised that the best thing to do now is to accept his failures and shortcomings. And move on. Learn from his own failures. He realised that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Admitting to his failures and faults, is the bravest thing he has done.

He admitted to his faults. X is very shocked. X does not know how to react. X just stood there, and stared at him.

He looked at X. X no longer looked that domineering. In fact, X looked just like him, when he was depressed! He peered over X's shoulders. He has forgotten the sights surrounding him. All along, he has been focused on X and the shadow on the ground. Looking around, everything looked so inviting, so pleasing to the eye.

"What have I missed out on? What an idiot I am!" he muttered to himself.

Without looking at X again, he strided off, and took in the wonderful sights. The freedom to roam around overwhelmed him. These feeling of happiness, confidence and enthusiasm have never occurred to him while he was in X's shadow.

"Treasure this feeling...Never forget it." he told himself.

___________________________________________________________________

What is X? I believe X exists in everyone of us. X is this second voice in our head, telling us to give up, to slack off, to procrastinate.

Fight X off. Believe in yourself. And take pride in your own uniqueness. Everyone is special. Do not let X tell you otherwise.

Note: To anyone who reads this, sorry for the simplistic and crude story. Just something I thought of suddenly, and I just have the urge to write it down. =p

I love challenges.

I like the way they screw me up and leave me there sobbing.

I love the way everyone of us will eventually screw these challenges back and grind their faces to the ground.

This is nothing.

When is the best time to be a nerd?

Now! Before the exams! This is the best time! If not now, then when? AFTER your exams?

(this post serves as a reminder to me that I will study at any free time possible...)

Are you living the dream life you always wanted?

Or are you living a life that is carefully planned for you?

Why do I always hear stories of how the loved ones diappoint?

Be firm in your beliefs, and stand for your own rights.

You are the one who can make a difference in your life. No one else.

Today was my first real attempt at trying to network.

It was a real eye opener. I cannot believe what kinda crap I will say just to make myself sound intelligent. haiz

Oh well, I suppose it will only get better with practice.

At 22 years old, it is really hard to convince myself that I still have a long way to go.

In another 2 years' time, I will be working hard for my monthly salary. Or, I will be working hard earning a meager allowance while building up my business. It seems that starting my business is no longer feasible. The security of a job seems so much more important to me now. I don't think I can tolerate the uncertainty of a business.

Starting a business now will be very selfish of me, because it will only add more stress to my parents. My dad is going to retire in 1 or 2 years' time. Will I be selfish enough to ask my dad to work for another 5 years while I use his hard-earned money to splurge on my selfish desire of starting a business?

I think the choice is probably obvious by now. My parents had wanted to depend on me when my dad retire. My brother still need financial support from my dad's retirement funds for further education. Who am I to draw on these funds which are intended to support my brother's education needs? Will I really allow my parents to work until they are physically unable to work? What kind of son will allow that?

However, I will not give up on my dream of starting up a business, and a successful one, to state the obvious. Perhaps, I will jump on the chance when the capital requirement is within my budget. But till such an an occasion arises, I will be better off shelving these grandose plans, and focus on my studies.

The better your grades, the better your resume looks. The more senior your appointments in your CCa are, the more impressive you are. If you happen to dabble in community service, your resume will just be about perfect. This is such a game we must play. No one can avoid this game. Even if you think that it is morally wrong, participation in the "meritocracy" game of the society is still compulsory.

I feel that....... this is being practical. I know that stating these unspoken facts can be.... nauseating for some. But at this stage in my life, this is a game that I must play, no matter the cost. I only pray that I will be able to treat everyone fairly and sincerely, and not undermine my moral values.

To accomplish this with my integrity intact. I think I will have really aced this game.


What else have I been doing? I believe some of you may know that I have invested most of my savings in the stock market.

Have my investments done well? I think that my portfolio is already fortunate enough. The subprime crisis in the US have hammered the Asian markets this 2 weeks. The STI dropped below 3000 points in the afternoon and recovered to slightly above 3130 points. Do note that just a month ago, the STI was in the high 3500s.

What does it all mean? In layman terms, the stock market is not doing well. The general sentiment is one of anxiety, fear and uncertainty. What can a small time investor like me do?

I think that it is important to think rationally instead of acting on fears. My selections of stocks are so far, quite satisfactory to me. In fact, I was thinking of buying up more of these stocks if my target prices are met.

You may think that I am crazy for still wanting to invest some more into the volatile stock market. However, I think there it is only during periods where people act on emotions rather than rationale, are there big opportunities for level headed investors to choose from.

Let us observe the market and see how the market sentiments sway. Hopefully, there will be even more opportunities for me then!

Harry Potter is really a good book.

Hai, sorry dear, I swear that I was distracted by the intriguing storyline and not by the handsome lad with a scar on his forehead. Serious.

小弟弟，你要吃什么？

This question from the smiling auntie at the foodstall made my day. ha ha ha

I still look like a 小弟弟, probably around 18!

ha ha ha

but really, it has been so fast. I am now almost 22. There is not more "room for mistakes"; "will do better next time"; "no problem boy, you will learn from this". We are not in secondary school or JC now.

While working, it is " why is this not done?'; "do you know how to count? 1,2,3,"; "will you follow up on the tasks that I gave you this morning?"; "where's your responsibility?"

My accounting internship will be ending this month. My meager pay aside, I have really learnt many important lessons.

Opportunities are no longer spoon-fed to you. No longer will your teacher encourage you to take up the role of a student leader in a CCA. You need to look for for such opportunities, and grab them.

Climbing up the corporate ladder is important, but the relationship between colleagues and superiors must always be nurtured. A cohesive and friendly atmosphere will make the workplace a much more pleasant and productive environment. The boss is solely responsible for creating such an environment. When the leader cannot lead well, the workers cannot be expected to work hard for him!

Leadership is so important, and yet many people confuse leadership with dictatorship.

Setting a good example is perhaps the most important thing for a leader to do, and yet, so many leaders talk the walk and only "supervise" their subordinates.

This was indeed a humbling and enriching experience. I hope that when, and if, I start my own business, I will be able to become a good leader.

22 years old, and yet my future is not carefully planned yet. Hai.... what will I be doing for my future? Will I be struggling up the corporate ladder? Or fighting my way to establish my business? Or should I respect my parents and join the civil service?

Today is a very irritating day. Kana arrows for no reason.

A good lesson learnt. You can be nice, but do not expect others to be nice.

Always remember to watch your back, and protect yourself. Helping others, is only to a certain extent.

Hai, hopefullt this can clear up asap, but i foresee another session of arguing about credit/debit notes again.... better go through the whole thing thoroughly first with my senior man.....

hmmm, will i ever get my "performance review" as promised? is there any hope of a "revision of pay"?

Hmmm, if I strike 4D first prize tml, maybe.

Recovering from fever.

Actually, having a fever is not a bad thing. You get to sleep in on Thur, Fri, Sat and play on Sun.

HA HA HA HA


Hai, when will my passive income notion ever come true?

What happened to my business ideas? Suddenly, I see myself slaving away at a 9 to 5 job...

HMM, what if it is a 9 to 5 job paying a 5 digit figure? hmmmmmm


ha ha ha, just day dreaming.......

back to sleep! another new day, for this intern!

Thank you God, for giving me this chance. Though my efforts have fallen short, You are willing to look past my mistakes.

I will not squander this chance away.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in your self worth.

Don't let one aspect in life belittle the immense potential you have.

Be strong.

Being an intern is not as easy as it sounds.

It is not about buying coffee, buying lunch, photocopying, running errands.... though well... such activities are inevitable...

But the thing is, I am glad that I am learning/ doing something useful, something related to what I am studying. The work is piling up, but I am doing fine! What I am more afraid of is to be a burden to the accounts department. Hai. I know my endless questioning and hopeless "blur cock" face will definitely jam up work. I just hope that I can learn things quicker and do my work faster.

So, yup I will probably be in this company for another 2 months. Work can be quite tiring, yet strangely satisfying. My God, I am actually beginning to like numbers and figures... maybe I will really become a fat, chubby, grossly overweight acccountant next time who guzzles beer and spill half of it over the financial statements...

SHIT. I will not let that happen!!!! I will exercise!!!..... probably =)

I screwed up my Stats paper.

Ok for Accounting 2.

So-so for OB.

Should be OK for Biobiz.

Prediction:
Stats: C
Accounting 2: B

(Carlene here. nm lah, nm lah, nm lah. My paper in half an hour...doom...)


Sorry for the interruption.

OB: B

Biobiz: B+

Hopefully I am proven wrong in a positive way.

oh well. HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

I received a THIRD letter from the Health Promotion Board. OH my GOD. Let me review its contents:

National Behavioural Surveillance Survey on Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs), HIV and AIDS

....
...
....

Hmm, ok, not so bad. It is a nation-wide survey and I have taken part in it. This is what caught my eye:

"For those who have taken part in the survey....... We would greatly appreciate if you can collect your vouchers or tokens of appreciations as an incentive for your effort."

I kid you not. The above statement is in BOLD.

Ha ha ha, this is the first time I received a letter practically forcing me to collect a token of appreciation.

They did set up a booth in NTU for us to collect the vouchers/token but it just slipped off my mind. Anyway, one cannot collect the voucher if you cannot produce the acknowledgement slip at the end of the survey. I lost it. And I'm not going through another 30min just to print that acknowledgement slip. Can't you guys just donate my voucher to the needy? Or donate the token (i suspect is a birth control contraceptive) to the lusty lechers in Geylang?

Aiyo, I hope they don't haul me down to Health Promotion Board to force feed the voucher down my throat. Really la, I cannot produce the stupid acknowledgement slip! I just do it for free, can???

ha ha, what an amusing letter.

Oh well, back to study.

3.30am.

Only covered 3 lectures. 9 more to go.

Thought of many things, but decided to stuff them down my throat.

Sleep. Wake up tml to study.

Complete waste of the nite, not productive at all.

If you guys will excuse my language, FUCK.

Good Nite!

I didn't feel so good after today's paper. Let me hope for the best.

Holidays are coming! Do I work for the experience, or work for the money?

Won't it be marvellous if I have both? ha ha

Let's see how my interview goes on Friday...

I always looked at myself in the mirror and confident that my physique is still there.

One day, one of my seniors saw me in hall and commented.

"hey say wei! you're fat!"

The world came tumbling down, and the whole sky turned black.

Torrents of rain pelted at me, mocking at my dismal expression.

That night, I made up my mind to run 100 times a week and hit the gym 2000 times a week and lift 100000kg of weights everyday!

The next day, I was stuffing crackers down my throat and patting my stomach contentedly.

Ha ha, fuck the exercise.

i have great plans for the weekend, intending to utilise every minute of it catching up with my homework. Alas, once at home, my laziness creeps in and wasted a beautiful Saturday away!

I admire those people with discipline to be up to date with their work. I think that it has become such a addictive habit for me to "relax" over the weekend that I just can''t seem to break the momentum. Humans are creatures of habit, and it is really hard for me to embrace change.

Goals set, but put aside. Statements made, but left forgotten. How I wish I can alter my brainwaves to focus on the important and essential things, and not read comics, take afternoon naps, watch anime, surf the internet and blog!

well, i'll probably have more time to blog after the exams... OH SHIT EXAMS!!

hai!

I was taking a break from the accounting tutorial just now, and started day dreaming.

I dreamt of a really funny incident.

I was 19 years old then, a freshly minted officer barely 2 months old in my new unit. I went to the army market in Lavender to get some "barang barang" for the upcoming field camp. I remembered vivdly asking the Indian shopkeeper, "Uncle, snake powder how much?". I can't remember the price, but whatever the price is, I told him that it is too high and quoted him a lower price.

In the army market, it is well known that you should bargain so as to get the best bang out of your NSF allowance. Being a sucker for tradition, I bargained with the Uncle too.

The Uncle, however, is a seasoned shopkeeper, AKA lao jiao, who doesn't take kindly to kids bargaining. He pointed to another stall and told me with a very straight face," Boy, that shop much cheaper. Go there la!"

Being the naive 19 year old that I was, I thanked the Uncle and approached that shop. A query for the price of the snake powder turned my cheerfulness into shock, shame and anger. The price was at least 50% higher than Uncle's!

I spun around and saw the Uncle laughing, gesturing to his colleagues and pointing at me. Obviously, this damn fuck here was the butt of his joke.

Now, that I think about it, it was really funny. However, at that point of time, I would admit that it really affected me. I was naive, unbelievably naive and believed that all people are saints. I trusted every word they say as I think they have no reason to lie to me. When I was young, the adults say that honesty is the best policy. If you want people to trust you, you must trust them. and all the ya da ya da. Unfortunately, I must have forgotten to read the fine print. I was that gullible.

3 years later, I am probably the most naive person around at age 22. yeah, of course I don't believe ridiculous crap, but well, it is probably easier to make me fall for a lie than (insert your most far fetched goal here).

I really hope that there are no hidden agendas when people are talking to you. I want to believe that all people are sincere and really want to know you better. I want to believe that they want to know me because I am a interesting friend, not because I have 1 million bucks or because I know this hot girl that you desperately want to fuck.

But who am I to complain when I am guilty of having a hidden agenda too?

Someone once said that he will want to remain as a 19 year old kid forever, because adults have too many problems.

Sometimes, I really agree with him.

Oh well, perhaps I am being too cynical here. Of course, there are many friends around me who are nice, interesting people. I really want to look at this world without tinted goggles. Can I talk to the real person inside of you and not your fucking mask?

Oh dear, I better stop swearing. Come to think of this, what triggered this off anyway? hmmmmmmmm...... oh well.... time to chiong my accounting tutorial!

1 of my friends from the army gave me a testimonial (friendster... is it still the trend now?? haha)

a short, simple one. Yet it brought back so many memories. Tekong rambutans are the best that I have eaten. So are the durians!

1 of my former recruit gave me a testimonial too.

2 sentences long, and it made my day (or night).

I looked through the photos taken in those 2 years, it really seem so fun and exciting. Of course, with the benefit of hindsight.

I remembered waiting anxiously for my ORD Date. Now that I'm "free", why do I still feel that something is lacking?

Haha, maybe I should go back to army...... maybe not.

Sometimes, a gentle touch from a loved one is all you need to refresh your gloomy day.

A friendly pat on the back rekindles the friendship of past.

A sincere smile brightens up other people's day.

A fitting compliment boosts a person's confidence.

Letting people pass first in the walkway proves your graciousness.

But how many really do that? Caught up in the midst of daily hassles, eye contact are avoided. Weak smiles are flashed.

"It is my right of way". And so, I left the door slamming shut in the face of the other person. Doesnt matter. His eyes are studying the floor intently too.

Me. Me. I. I. the world only revolves around me. How many times have I forgotten that I am not the type who will isolate himself in his lonely world?

....................................................................

I dunno why the hell did this post came up. ha hahahah

i'm not upset or what. just an observation. oh well, all my friends, take care! the next time you see me and I do not see you, you are given the permission to shake me out of my daydream...

I realised that I have this ability to do many things at one time. Many other things except for the one with the top priority.

Yes, I believe most of us have this ability too. It is called procrastination.

Right now, I have just finished 1 out of 6 tutorial questions even though I was at my desk the whole Sunday. What was I doing then?

1) Reading online comic
2) Eating snacks
3) Listening to music
4) Absorbed in random musings
5) Checking the stock prices and the forums
6) Thinking of what to do for V-day
7) Opening drawers multiple times to test the soundness of their construction
8) Checking the mirror for any defects
9) Admiring my collection of music CDs and books
10) Admiring the bed that seemed so soft and comfortable
11) Thinking of going jogging, since it has been 2 weeks I last ran
12) Decided that walking to and fro the kitchen is also exercising, and began doing that at a regular rate
13) Opened the textbook and read the first paragraph
14) Repeated s/nos 1 to 13 in random order


Really, what a way to squander a beautiful weekend away...

i am glad i finally stopped and faced the problem.

no more running away.

i'm ... relieved.

for far too long, i have let the tides of fate bring me to my next destination in life. How many times have i fought against it?

Most of the time, i am contented to let the waves bring me along.

I am glad that i am finally facing up to it.

I remembered a person writing this in his blog: I am the master of my destiny.

How true.

it is 1.49am on a wed morning, and i am waking up 4 hours later to go to school.

yes, i am at home. yes, i have a hall too. wasting money? yes i am. haha haha

i just realised that i'm really out of shape. ya, i know i look slim and stuff, but looks can be deceiving. I ran to NEC from my hall, around 100m away. yeah, a few upslopes here and there, but i felt like i'm running a freaking marathon!!!

and my legs ACTUALLY feel sore now!!!!

NBCBKNN

hmmm, on a more serious note...

events this few days made me realise the importance of money. More specifically, the importance of having/earning your OWN money.

the freedom to do whatever you want

the freedom to splurge on whatever you want

the power you feel when u know u can afford it

of course, need to be sensible about spending right?

i wonder if i insist on spending more because i want to prove that i can afford it?

the male ego is sometimes a pain in the ass...